I just know tomorrow better be a good fuckin day.
Starting the day
I woke up to the discomfort of winter’s ghastly reach through the cracks in the walls. My bones feel so stiff laying here on this rug in my bedroom. I had fully expected a heated home after the steam operated heaters turned in for a moment yesterday. This is really my laugh. Haha!! I laugh in disgust and disappointment in my outer self.
I haven’t worked on the sound design fir piano concerto 1 in a few days. It’s so irresponsible of me. I have to be honest, most of this is quite discouraging for me. I can’t help but think about what people are probably going to say about my work. I don’t expect any good reviews. I don’t expect people to live it. I don’t expect people to like it. I don’t expect people to listen to it. But I will. This is so much of my story. This piano concerto is so much of the confusion and hardship that I have experienced for the past 3 years.
I’m bow working on my music. I absolutely love this piano concerto. So much of it could be better but so much of it is well done too. so much of it captures the moments when I came home and collapsed in full misery and exhaustion. So many parts of this piano concerto sing of the days and nights where I killed my inner self for a night with sleeping pills and alcohol. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m good. I just want you to know that the reality of mental illness is that people go through it. People who don’t look like they may be suffering are definitely suffer. We don’t know when it’s gonna come. It sneaks into your pocked and leaches onto your hand like a grip of influenza.
While I was in the restroom today the gods of music sent me an idea, actually several ideas for my second Piano Concerto. So I went to my piano and tried to see if I can hack them out. It turned out pretty well and I used it to publish to my social media and let people hear it. I tagged a few other pages that may be interested and some of them watched. After doing that little improvisation where I try to figure out how to play what I was hearing in my head I felt a little bit less bothered by some of the great piano composers that I listen to I don’t feel quite as far away from them as skilled as I used to.